Am I the weird one?

Has this ever happen to you? Where you thought you where doing the  right thing but then in realization that you doing the right thing was actually the wrong thing. I know I am probably confusing you by saying that, but what happen to me is very confusing in my eyes.

  It was Friday evening and I was going to grad night.(Grad night is when a bunch a teenagers from Toronto and everywhere else go to wonderland on some type of bus, in which to celebrate that they were graduating). I recently discovered that you don't have to be graduating to go. So, I bought my ticket and I was going.

I was pretty happy because I was planning on going on so many rides. My goal was for me was to go on Behemoth. I went with a bunch of friends. To be honest, I was not really paying attention to what I was going to wear. I basically chose to wear jeans, some shirt with stars,a cardigan and my blue hijab. I put on my brown flip flops and went to my cousins house. She lived in the next court. When I got there, they were putting on make up. Lots of it. They were dressed pretty cute. They were wearing summer dresses. You know the long ones. We were going to be late at this rate. So, my cousin commented on my hijab and how I was wearing blue when I was supposed to be wearing a black and white shirt. I didn't really care how I was dressed. All I was thinking, was how I was going on rides.I didn't take to notice of it, until I thought okay let me run home and get my black and white one. I did. When I got back they were getting ready to leave. I was in the car.

 

 

 

Fast Forward

 

By the time we got to TCI. We saw the three bus. okay this is the freaky part. Somali girls where dressed….OMG i can’t even explain what I saw. i was in a lost of words. Let me try though. Some where wearing booty shorts,tank tops,short dress,skin tight dress. There was so much booty and boobs it was insane. I swear to you that the black people who were sitting on the field were looking at us like we were crazy. So much make up was worn that day. The guys were either dressed up nicely or too gangster, but that was pretty typical. Hijabbies where now … something else. Some girls wore hijabs, but still dress too nicely if you asked me, But there's nothing wrong about that.

As i walked on to that bus I could feel everyone's eyes on me. As if I was the alien, the freak who decided to dress normally. Guys where kind of laughing at me girls smirking at me. I didn't understand this part though. I was dressed casually and yet I was being ridiculed. This is where good was considered bad. So was bad the new good? This is where teenagers follow the “in” crowd. Most girls say that they dressed like that because their friends or the  people around them did I can’t blame them. It made me feel weird wearing hijab. My best friend who I has been by my side since i was 12. I couldn't believe this. I hated how this was affecting me.

Far Worst

After going on 2 ride. (YES I COMPLETED MY GOAL! BEHEMOTH WAS AWESOME!) There was a dance. I didn't even know that radio stations would be there. (Z103.5) Nor did I know there was going to be a dancing.Why am I calling it dancing? let me call it grinding and dry humping. that's all i saw. At first i danced with my friends for 5 minutes, then realized what I was doing was crazy (even though I was just hopping up and down XD). I was wearing hijab and I was dancing. Man I sat my ass down and watched my friends. People just watched me like i was some loser. I just stared back at them and smiled like as if i was having fun. My cousins tried to make me dance, but i refused. I was thinking how could of all people force me to join that giant orgy especially when SHE herself was wearing a long dress and a hijab? Was I insane for not dancing? They sure made me look dumb. I was really sad that no one understood why I was refusing. I tired to explain but i received blank expressions. Only person who understood was Izzy who learned the hard way what this “dance” really was. After getting touched by some guy she sure regretted even going in. To bad no on else seem to care. As if this was normal and i was an alien.

This just proves that Judgment day is so close. I fear for everyone and myself.

Depressions of a 16 year old

Depressions of a 16 year old

I can say that I never really felt “depresstion” before until I hit 16. Which is now. Just recently I now do feel depressed and I hate it. I hate this feeling and at first I didn’t even know what it was until I felt it. I don’t want this feeling upon anyone, but then I would kind of be lying. You will understand after reading more of my little explanation. My explanation on depression and stress and where it had deprived from.

Emotions are awful. Every emotions I feel its kind of sucks. Even happy emotions get me sick. When I am excited my stomach hurts because all of the excitement. When I am sad or angry my head hurts. When I am content, I am numb and possibly not even human.

Explanation of why I am writing about depression. Here is the story that happen to me. The names have all been change in order to for me to be more willingly write this.

Well let me tell you how have been feeling lately. It simply feels like no one really gives a damn. The fact I have a huge crush on this guy. Let me name him George. The fact that one of his friends, named Adam wont help me stresses me out. I literally took all my courage just to tell his friend. And he is such a lazy bum that it doesn’t even seem to phase him. The fact that Hermia told me that he George called me ugly really kills. Yeah, I didn’t show my feelings, but it really affected me. Even how much I try to convince myself that it couldn’t be true because Adam sister told her( by the way she doesn’t like me at all) it still does. Plus on a side note Adam told me

it was never going to happen'. Oh hear this, George now knows I like him because a jerk who is plan evil announced it for his class. My confession was never supposed to be like this.

I see Hermia in class. I am still frustrated by the fact that all these things are in my head. I begin to tell Hermia a truth. A “truth” she told me that affected me deeply. I start to tell her that Adam knows she likes him. She then goes into a shock. I sit there and watch her face. While I watch my new developed stress slowly display on her face. I have no emotions at this point. Numbness you can say. As if my emotions went to her for a moment. She then goes by asking me some questions. She is obviously very sad by this news. How could she do this to me? How can she tell this kind of hurtful news and watch me so content. I feel the guilt of what I just did. And that wasn’t even the full story.
I could of gone on by saying more. I could have said that he didn’t like her ever and never would. (By the way, he told me that in his own words).But why would I hurt her by doing this? But she could obviously do it to me. I know she would do it to me. Why wouldn’t she? She already hurt me by telling me that George had said I was ugly, even though it was in fact a LIE. Perhaps she was using him as an excuse to say what she thought of me or whatever Adam sister thought of me.

Friends seem hopeless at this point. I know they are lying to me when they say I am pretty or something. Because I know friends have to say those things. It hurts the most when they don’t say anything. They just become silent. I know what they are thinking though. I am not stupid. Can anyone really help me at this point? Or am I always just going to be the helper. When will anyone rescue me? When will the helper be helped? Help me with out making me lose my dignity. Say something to me. Just tell me and I want to believe you guys but its to cliché and it seems like stupid advice.

*- Help the Helper*