New school New Friends

Completely out of my element. As what they say when you go to Somalia. “I was taken from heaven and placed into hell” -Father Dear

Well this is not 100% true. I kind of uh… okay made the complete decision to go to this school. I even had a friend warn me. I don’t regret it though. Not at all. Yeah I complain about the people, but it was my choice.

I never met a bunch of people that I actually wanted to STRANGLE. Like Double-U Tee Eff. There are people at my school who have the AUDACITY to look down on you. It’s actually pretty funny. Not really. Apparently, people aren’t worth your time unless you want to talk about clothes, others girls, where you went out and ugly boys <--- I don’t know if they talk about boys, but I bet if they did they would be ugly. Considering their taste an all (Somali idiots). Since when was having a real conversation overrated? Why do you talk badly about people then talk to them, as if the was the most natuarlist thing to do?

Mission: Next time they say something bad about someone I will personally say to them. Warning them of course. Then I will say coolly like a heroic superhero I am "Don’t talk badly about people you hardly know.” ( That’s for you, Filipinos!)

OMG don’t get me started on the boys. I feel like puking when I thinking about them. Yeah I decided not to write about them. I might just puke. Not because there ugly, but there actions are. They are practically girls. *puke

OMG THE NICEST GUY OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME (this is sad when I am happy about this. Do you see how my school has no etiquettes?)

As long as I read Yasmins posts I will feel like writing too. I actually wrote a angrier piece then I censored myself. I was extremely mad as I continued to write but, I know i was just setting my self up
If you go to my school and you are reading this and you think I am talk about you. Then I am talking about you. Shape up.
Thank you to my only viewer ! :P

Ugly times & Answers for Dating
Well, its great when your friends can like you at your most ugly times. When your super angry or being emotional. Yet they are still able to like you. I find that really surreal. Because after I act like that I become very embarrassed! Truly do. I wont want to even talk to you and you probably think to yourself ‘what a weirdo’ . I am glad I have good friends like that.

Besides the fact, I found this funny video online that makes me feel like this a great explanation on the topic dating. For Muslims. Anyways. The guy's name is Ali, but he refers to himself as Baba Ali.
You can skip a few because he starts off my talking about some money for filming. If your interested please listen to that XD

Rejection Hurts

Rejection Hurts

Have you ever felt that your heart as been torn out and placed on the floor and then stepped on. Same except the part where my heart has been steped on. But I think that’s the upside, that is not getting stepped on.
The reason I am saying this is because I have been rejected. I haven’t even confessed yet I was rejected. Is it sad that I kind of knew it was going to happen. So, let me tell you the story. Before I continue, it was very difficult for me to write this. It brings me back lots of details. Fresh to my eyes. So, please when I post this I do not any questions asked personelly or writen. Just take what I gave you and don’t mention it.Basically yesterday was the last day of school. We were getting our year books and I was really happy. All my friends were going to write in my yearbook. My yearbook was almost full. I tried to get Adam to sign Hermia’s yearbook, but that didn’t go well. So, my goal was to get George to sign my yearbook. This was my last chance. I got my yearbook fully signed and I had little bit room. So, I saw him. I kept pacing back and forth. First, I started walking and then I would hesitate and decide not to do it. Then I thought ‘what the hell am I doing” I told one of my friends to wait. But they kept asking me where are you going and I said. Chill. Then I said “ I am going ask George to sign my yearbook” They wished me well. Then I walked towards him. He was sitting near a tree on the edge of the step. I looked down and I asked “ Will you sign my yearbook” He responded by shaking his head then saying no. I said okay and walked away. And told my friend he said no. But then one of my friends kept yelled what what. I wanted to yelled for her to stop because I was so in shock and embarrassed. I was smiling and saying “don’t worry about it I’ll tell you later”. So, then my friends pulled me to another section and told me “ its okay ayan” I was like” I am find I am just shocked”. I didn’t feel anything but this shaking feeling. Fear. From when I went there from when I came back. It didn’t sink it for about a couple minutes. I just wanted my friends ti stop talking about it. I was really embarrassed. Who tells anyone no in the first place. Ultimate diss. The feeling I feel is not a crying feeling at the time but a feeling when u swallow a dry pill or something. My heart felt bad. I don’t know if this is called hurt or not. But from when I was on the bus to when I got home seems to have gotten worst.
I am hideously ugly that’s all I can think. I am hideoulys ugly is all I feel. He doesn’t even know me and rejects me. Maybe if I was prettier this would have ended with a happy ending. Maybe if prettier I wouldn’t have been humiliated. I am tired of being told I am pretty when I am obviously not. When the person you like doesn’t think your pretty must mean you are ugly. Unless you are obviously pretty and the guy is just being a jerk ( but this is NOT the case.). I am really sad. So, sad that I am not able to open my mouth perhaps only communicate by some typing. I even feel sick. I feel like I am going to cry but you know what I don’t want to cry over guys. I want to cry because all the tears in me are giving me a huge headache. I just want cry for my embracement. I am going into estate of depression. So, this must be real depression when you don’t want to talk to anyone. I just stay in my room and not bother going downstairs. Room is so messy I don’t want to even look at it. Listening to music and watching movies to keep my mind busy. But exams are a head and I can’t concentrate.
I am even to humiliated to tell my good friends. Hopefully, this is won’t last long. But I am the best faker ever. Ever see me happy now days I am truly not happy. I can smile right at you and I am lying. Even after the rejection when I headed back to my friends I smiled. Like nothing bugged me. BUT THEY WERE WRONG. I wish this could be fixed but it can’t. What do I do? I don’t know. No advice that I don’t really know can’t help me no.

By the way i didnt edit this post because i was to afarid of remembering my detail by rereading it. Honestly i had to stop typing at some points

Am I the weird one?

Has this ever happen to you? Where you thought you where doing the  right thing but then in realization that you doing the right thing was actually the wrong thing. I know I am probably confusing you by saying that, but what happen to me is very confusing in my eyes.

  It was Friday evening and I was going to grad night.(Grad night is when a bunch a teenagers from Toronto and everywhere else go to wonderland on some type of bus, in which to celebrate that they were graduating). I recently discovered that you don't have to be graduating to go. So, I bought my ticket and I was going.

I was pretty happy because I was planning on going on so many rides. My goal was for me was to go on Behemoth. I went with a bunch of friends. To be honest, I was not really paying attention to what I was going to wear. I basically chose to wear jeans, some shirt with stars,a cardigan and my blue hijab. I put on my brown flip flops and went to my cousins house. She lived in the next court. When I got there, they were putting on make up. Lots of it. They were dressed pretty cute. They were wearing summer dresses. You know the long ones. We were going to be late at this rate. So, my cousin commented on my hijab and how I was wearing blue when I was supposed to be wearing a black and white shirt. I didn't really care how I was dressed. All I was thinking, was how I was going on rides.I didn't take to notice of it, until I thought okay let me run home and get my black and white one. I did. When I got back they were getting ready to leave. I was in the car.

 

 

 

Fast Forward

 

By the time we got to TCI. We saw the three bus. okay this is the freaky part. Somali girls where dressed….OMG i can’t even explain what I saw. i was in a lost of words. Let me try though. Some where wearing booty shorts,tank tops,short dress,skin tight dress. There was so much booty and boobs it was insane. I swear to you that the black people who were sitting on the field were looking at us like we were crazy. So much make up was worn that day. The guys were either dressed up nicely or too gangster, but that was pretty typical. Hijabbies where now … something else. Some girls wore hijabs, but still dress too nicely if you asked me, But there's nothing wrong about that.

As i walked on to that bus I could feel everyone's eyes on me. As if I was the alien, the freak who decided to dress normally. Guys where kind of laughing at me girls smirking at me. I didn't understand this part though. I was dressed casually and yet I was being ridiculed. This is where good was considered bad. So was bad the new good? This is where teenagers follow the “in” crowd. Most girls say that they dressed like that because their friends or the  people around them did I can’t blame them. It made me feel weird wearing hijab. My best friend who I has been by my side since i was 12. I couldn't believe this. I hated how this was affecting me.

Far Worst

After going on 2 ride. (YES I COMPLETED MY GOAL! BEHEMOTH WAS AWESOME!) There was a dance. I didn't even know that radio stations would be there. (Z103.5) Nor did I know there was going to be a dancing.Why am I calling it dancing? let me call it grinding and dry humping. that's all i saw. At first i danced with my friends for 5 minutes, then realized what I was doing was crazy (even though I was just hopping up and down XD). I was wearing hijab and I was dancing. Man I sat my ass down and watched my friends. People just watched me like i was some loser. I just stared back at them and smiled like as if i was having fun. My cousins tried to make me dance, but i refused. I was thinking how could of all people force me to join that giant orgy especially when SHE herself was wearing a long dress and a hijab? Was I insane for not dancing? They sure made me look dumb. I was really sad that no one understood why I was refusing. I tired to explain but i received blank expressions. Only person who understood was Izzy who learned the hard way what this “dance” really was. After getting touched by some guy she sure regretted even going in. To bad no on else seem to care. As if this was normal and i was an alien.

This just proves that Judgment day is so close. I fear for everyone and myself.

Depressions of a 16 year old

Depressions of a 16 year old

I can say that I never really felt “depresstion” before until I hit 16. Which is now. Just recently I now do feel depressed and I hate it. I hate this feeling and at first I didn’t even know what it was until I felt it. I don’t want this feeling upon anyone, but then I would kind of be lying. You will understand after reading more of my little explanation. My explanation on depression and stress and where it had deprived from.

Emotions are awful. Every emotions I feel its kind of sucks. Even happy emotions get me sick. When I am excited my stomach hurts because all of the excitement. When I am sad or angry my head hurts. When I am content, I am numb and possibly not even human.

Explanation of why I am writing about depression. Here is the story that happen to me. The names have all been change in order to for me to be more willingly write this.

Well let me tell you how have been feeling lately. It simply feels like no one really gives a damn. The fact I have a huge crush on this guy. Let me name him George. The fact that one of his friends, named Adam wont help me stresses me out. I literally took all my courage just to tell his friend. And he is such a lazy bum that it doesn’t even seem to phase him. The fact that Hermia told me that he George called me ugly really kills. Yeah, I didn’t show my feelings, but it really affected me. Even how much I try to convince myself that it couldn’t be true because Adam sister told her( by the way she doesn’t like me at all) it still does. Plus on a side note Adam told me

it was never going to happen'. Oh hear this, George now knows I like him because a jerk who is plan evil announced it for his class. My confession was never supposed to be like this.

I see Hermia in class. I am still frustrated by the fact that all these things are in my head. I begin to tell Hermia a truth. A “truth” she told me that affected me deeply. I start to tell her that Adam knows she likes him. She then goes into a shock. I sit there and watch her face. While I watch my new developed stress slowly display on her face. I have no emotions at this point. Numbness you can say. As if my emotions went to her for a moment. She then goes by asking me some questions. She is obviously very sad by this news. How could she do this to me? How can she tell this kind of hurtful news and watch me so content. I feel the guilt of what I just did. And that wasn’t even the full story.
I could of gone on by saying more. I could have said that he didn’t like her ever and never would. (By the way, he told me that in his own words).But why would I hurt her by doing this? But she could obviously do it to me. I know she would do it to me. Why wouldn’t she? She already hurt me by telling me that George had said I was ugly, even though it was in fact a LIE. Perhaps she was using him as an excuse to say what she thought of me or whatever Adam sister thought of me.

Friends seem hopeless at this point. I know they are lying to me when they say I am pretty or something. Because I know friends have to say those things. It hurts the most when they don’t say anything. They just become silent. I know what they are thinking though. I am not stupid. Can anyone really help me at this point? Or am I always just going to be the helper. When will anyone rescue me? When will the helper be helped? Help me with out making me lose my dignity. Say something to me. Just tell me and I want to believe you guys but its to cliché and it seems like stupid advice.

*- Help the Helper*

Monkeys can be really annoying!

Response to perfectly.imperfect Yasmine.


Okay so when I think about your situation I think in my head a clique at your school that is quite infamous for... May I say their number. When I mean number, I mean number of "best friends" they have in their group. It can't be because they are most loved or even that they have the most money. Am I right? Because I know they might be playing the " we are best friends" act but are really talking smack about each other for all I know. I can't really say I know but these are all my predictions because high school Somali girls are pretty predictable. Well, the honestly think about it. If it was someone who everyone never talked too and didn't really give a damn about or even have any friends than this problem wouldn't even increase or even occur. But when you fight with the head monkey there will always be the back up to that monkey. And in the background will be their monkey friends screaming ooo ooo ah ah ah. As for us, the civil humans who can't understand them. Sadly, at this age people don't go to the coffee shop too actually talk about issues or problems with each other. When will we ever grow up?

Now your most likely sitting at school with some other friends who you probably never took the time to notice or talk to since you always had your other friends. Friends is what makes school life bearable. Without people too talk to you, you might end up as that psycho killer who comes to school with a gun to kill everyone. That’s why I be nice to everyone. No matter how cool or dorky they are. I don’t want to be the victim just because I accidently told a kid he looked ugly then to realized he never forgot and came to shoot me down at the library.… That’s why I think Somali guys are DOOMED when comes to that. Somali guys will be first to die at your school when that angry kid comes to school. Funny how I forgot what my point was. Oh yes! My point is to forget about the ones you lost and to try and find new friends. You learnt a big life lesson. Monkeys are annoying so trying talking to actual human beans. It wouldn’t hurt right?
Well OOO AAHH AHA H EEE, That’s bye in monkey language by the way!
This is Ayanniiee Sammiiee OUT!